ramblings and mumbles

My Story.

2005-11-13T09:40:00.000-08:00

One day Cha Shao Bao was walking down this street.
then he got hungry.
and he ate himself.

Thank you.

The missing.

2005-10-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes in life, many things happen; nice things, not-so-nice things, horrible things.. or just plain memorable things.
But cause we're so caught up in Living life on a day to day basis, we tend to push aside all these. We start thinking. Tomorrow is another day. I'll think about this tomorrow; when it'll hurt less; when I'm numb.

But somehow or rather. tomorrow never seems to come. for as more and more things happen, we push all our thoughts to that distant tomorrow where we'll sort them out. But we start running away. not wanting to face it; Tomorrow never comes.

I've realised that thats a naive and stupid way to think; for as fast and as far as we can try to run. They'll always catch up with us. Always. That nagging feeling. That sense of dread. Like something's not right when everything is. I suck at blogging. cause I don't like baring my everything to well, any Tom Dick of Harry for that matter. But I just want an outlet sometimes. And as perverse as it sounds. We're all exhibitionists. and I'm just like everybody else. we all blog cause we have a deep rooted need, a desire for an audience. A craving for the spotlight. we want to be seen AND heard.

The missing* desn't even scratch the surface of what I'm feeling right now.
I've ran away too much, so much so that I've missed alot. I never gave myself the chance to remember; to miss everything that I've lost in life. And yes, I have lost alot. More than you would ever know in fact. Maybe a few, but the rest. You don't even know the high and low's of it.

Some I lost to folly. Others; by chance. Fate played a fool of me. I cried, too many times in fact. Till the tears were worthless. A pearl? I think not. More like a drop in the dirt. I felt, I screamed and I loved. Oh yes, I've loved. I've even fallen in love with love. Hah! You wouldn't believe to what extent I've loved. I've loved so much. It hurt. I loved the boys. and the girls. friends. strangers. animals. even the ones who hurt me so. I embraced the ones who smiled as they tore me apart. I couldn't help it. I had too much love. I could never hate. I wasn't made that way. That has been my blessing but it would prolly be my undoing.

Family.

I love them so. But.

Friends.

They come and go.

Sheryl.

A sister. In the fullest sense.

Him.

Does he even know?

Could I turn back the time? Would it wait for me? somehow, I don't think so.
I'm tired.

I'm bored. really bored. absolutely bored. argh.

2005-09-03T23:05:00.000-07:00

The holidays are here. Well, not quite. argh. cause still have subs to take soon i guess. failed about.. errr.. 4/5 subjects dis time round man. wahahahha. this is crazy. but wad to do!?!???! I AM crazy. uber crazy. (hmm, I stil owe felix my PCOMD stuff. ARGH!)

Wads that stoopid darling of mine doing man. zz. dunno him lah!!! annoying piece of shit. ARGH. i cant stand him but i HATE being away from him. hmm. HE DOESN'T GEDDIT. if I didnt care why in the god damn loving world would I ever ever get jealous over anything!??!?!? ARGH. and I hate it wen he tells me he's caling wen he doesn't. helloooo. dun promise anything u didnt plan on delivering.

lalala. I really think i'm going mad. Its a sooner or later kinda thing I guess.
(maybe all the last min work and staying up late fried my brains. who noes!??!? lol. Not that I had much brains to start wif)

Sorrie to anyone who's BORED enuff to read this as well, cause I doubt that u'll find anything here to interest you. I'm juz Rambling man. Writing rubbish and wadever comes into my head.

YOOOHOOOOOO!! dorcas baby.. dun u think its time this blog gets an overhaul!?!??! lol. i need a tag board as well. Even though I guess no one actually comes read my blog at all. hmm. lalala.

sarah dear.. i think..I wanna go over to ur place to play THE SIMS 2 soon. haha.
Xiao Pok. hurry date me out leh..
Charis. We'll work hard for space and form together ya. >.<
Livia.. I'll go to church soon. dun worrie.

I'm getting fatter. OMG. F-A-T-T-E-R. HELP!!!!! argh.... hahaha. i eat toooo much. and now, I'm still craving for something sweeet!!! JELLY. peach flavoured jelly, or strawberry.. mmmm. yumyum.

Shangrila (dunno how to spell) mooncakes are really good btw. ^.^ esp the ones wif the salted yolks. haha. yummmy.

I need a good book to read man, and maybe some nice shows as well. or my brains will seriously ROT. haha. any suggestions anyone?!?!? looking for dangerous liasons btw. ever since we caught a snippet of it in history of costume. mmm...

Le chocolat is a really gd show btw. heart warming. amazing. makes even a non-chocolate lover like myself crave for chocs. haha

The choir boys is heartwarming as well, but funnier. its really gd as well. go catch it.

billy Eliot is somewhat disturbing but.. heart warmin?!?!? inspiring as well. shows u how dreams can come true if only u believe.

haha. lalala. can't wait for THE CORPSE BRIDE to come out man. wanna catch it wif dorcas.. rite babe!??!?!?! lol

WISHLIST. new and updated.

1. MOOLAH. am soooo broke now. haiz. it sucks.
2. new perfume.. i'm lemming l'occitane ROSE,GREENTEA,VERBENA.. hmm. natural, light and oh-so-NICE!! HAHA
3. stila lip pot in cherry.
4. MAC powerpoints in forever green and engraved.
5. AnnaSui face colour.. it smells sooo georgeous.
6. A really nice pair of jeans
7. my darling.
8. A good job that pays well for the hols.
9. AnnaSui volume mascara in the new waterproof version.
10. A doggy!!! (or even a kitty) i juz wan something i can love and cherish.
11. Good results for the subs i'll be taking.
12. To pass my piano exam which is coming soon.
13. a nicer/hotter bod. lol. *sigh* charis.. u lucky lucky thing. >.<

haha. Thats all folks. well. theres. sooo much more that I want. but. NVM. waahahahahahahahah. good night pp. sleep early while u can cause before u noe it the hols will be over and we'll be mugging like crazy all over again!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!

ps: Russell Peter is SOOOOOOO yesterday. ur a loser if ur still into him so STOP IT WIF ALL THE BLOODY JOKES AND QUOTES ALREADY.
thank you.

hugs and kisses for everyone. that kept me occupied for a while. BUT. I'm still bored!!! GOD SAVE ME. haha. *bleah*

untitled

2005-08-19T00:47:00.000-07:00

She said, " The water's so calm".
The solo bird in the sky.
That crow!
The smoke from her ciggarette spiralling.
The evening so serene.
Another bird.
The red red sky.
The cicadas and crickets a singing.
Clouds!
The trees, they semed to be whispering.
I tried hearing.
I wanted so badly too.
but I just couldn't.
Their stories.
The secret wordings.
The reflections in the water.
Pretty lights.
That star seemed to be moving.
You could curse and you could love.

Was it just me?

Ps: once upon a december.

2005-07-06T00:19:00.000-07:00

Yep! its really true.. wads mine is mine. can't change that.
Although we have our spats and all.. my girlfrends will alwaes be.. well, my girlfriends. =)
There's..
Dorcas babe. Charis aka my latino barbie. Sarah baby. Audrey chen Xiao Pok. Jaccjacc.
Sheryl. vera. LIVIA. Jiewan. sha. cherisse. who.. soo many. too many to state. hah.

Each and everyone means soo much to me. sure.. we have our ups and downs. i mean, Who doesn't? But anywae.. sometimes wen things get soo bad. I juz wish i can juz let go.. lt it be. forget. But i never can. I juz realised. Maybe its gd i can't. cause if i could do that soo easily. and no one worked on repairing anything. I guess.. well.. it'll all amount to nothing. Even the most solid relationships/friendships prob needs some TLC now and then. =)

ARGH. so F***ing busy nowadays. Don't even have time for my music. haiz. can't find the time to practise. die........ haha. my headaches!!!! argh... and I'm developing a sorethroat. ARGH. bloody weather. lol.

Sometimes i dun even noe wad i get worried about. I worry myself so that I can't sleep in peace. *sigh* pathetic huh? haiz. worry bout whether tomorrow will be better. Will the sky be as blue. Will i be happy. hah. (dun think literal ok) yup. the things i worry myself about! *shudder*

I'm going MAD.

Go lsten to Angel by sarah maclachlan. Its sooo nice. haha. sheryl can't get it outta her head too!!! lol. "in the arms of an angel.." make me nostalgic only. sigh. Sometimes i wish.. i could go back to that hazy afternoon.. so long ago. where my dad would have no qualms of sweeping me up into his arms and singing me to sleep. Where we would play in the garden. I still remember the swing.. the aloe plants.. the willow tree. haha.. but like i said.. It not thing more than a memory. *sigh*

HAIZ. someday. maybe you'll understand.
Anywae You prob don't and I prefer it this way anywae.
My thoughts are still mine then You see.
anywae. Don't mind me if these makes no sense. Its not supposed to anywae.
Ther're juz jumbled outpourings.

Livia. I love you to heaven. hah.
Cherisse. thanks for the insight.
Dorcas. I juz love you. u noe that.
Jacc. dun be so sad bout ur thumbdrive ok. lol. Life's still beautiful.
Xiao pok. thanks for juz being You. you rawk my world.

Ps: special thanks to someone who's been talking me to sleep recently. hah.
dunno how'd i cope if it wasnt for you. :p

If only i had wings. den someday I'll fly away. Leave all these to yesterday.
Y live life fr dream to dream. Juz to dread the day.. that dreaming ends.

That dull ache inside my chest.

2005-07-02T00:50:00.000-07:00

Things aint getting better.
Theres still that constant nagging feeling inside.
Like I said. that Dull ache.
It hurts. Not that much if I dun think Bout it.
But I juz can't seem to stop thinking. thats the problem.
Yeah.. So it hurts Bad most of the time.
I even have troble sleeping.
wierd.
I've alwaes had an issue with letting go. I juz find it so hard.
But i'll have to start learning fr somewhere guess.
It juz comes to a point in which i realise that wadever it is..
wads mine is mine. nothings going to change that. not even time.

Ps:"In the arms of the angel, far away from here." lol.
yeah. a memory i guess. nothing more. At least for now.

ARRRGGGHHHHH!

2005-06-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

God! I seriously can't believe how lazy I've become lah! lol. Can't even be boteres to post blog entries. okok. Fr now onwards.. I'll try to post atleast..erm.. Three times a wk? :p not fantastic but at least its an improvement. hah.
Anywaes.. wads up wif my life i hear you asking.. well.. Nothing much. as usual.
Except that i seem to be suffering fr horible insomia recently. So freakin tied still can't fall asleep. *sigh* So i'm like a walking zombie nowadays. Keep getting such terrible headaches man. !!!! I see stars. serious!.
Been reverting back to my horrid habits of procrastinating again man. I can't seem to muster up enuff energy to start on any work! haiz. feel sooo darn listless most of the time.
aiyoooo...
Ok! confession time. I am so broke now. hah. spent all my money already. lol. gone case man. thisss sssuuuccckkksss bigtime!!!!!
somemore like so many darn nice movies to catch recently!!! argghh!!!! lol. dunno how lah.

In the past i used to think that maybe.. juz maybe. somewhere outthere there really was this big guy.. watching over us, moving our lives like pieces on a chest board.. now I dun think.. i KNOW. i believe. Dun ask me why.. I juz do. But i juz realised it ain't that simple. Miracles DO happen, but only for those who really believe. So many questions, no answers.. Faith is a blind thing. You can't question the ways of God i guess. But one things for sure. He loves all of us. as long as we allow him too. :P

haha. okok. i gtg get ready.. so yup. till next time. =)

Its not even 11 in the morning!!!

2005-06-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

Been really busy with projects and stuff recently juz like the rest of the design peeps man.
*siggh*
The gang has split man.. we dun really hang out the way we used to anymore.. oh well.. I guess change is inevitable due to everyones stressful lifes, schedules and all.
Its not even the end of the 4th week and everyone loooks like their dying fr exhaustion man!this is CCCRRRAAAZZZZZYYY.
On average we sleep like 5 hrs a day? sometimes 4.. somethimes not even a wink.
But wad to do.. everyone's getting soo bloody competive nowadays that you juz gotta pull up your socks and all.. dun wanna excel nvm.. at least you gotta keep up.
I'm becoming more and more loser-fied. lol
Going straight home everyday after classes and all.. this is BBBOOORRRIIINNNNGGGGG i tell you. I mean... i reach home like before 7 on average days now.. wen in the past 1130 was the norm.
ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!
Blame the F-up educational syatem man. no time to have fun now.. and then wen we're working we won't have fun for the next wad.. 50 yrs?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!
god dammit!
yep.. and cause i couldnt find enuff info for history of costume.. I had to miss consultation wif Debra yesterday. I'm sure she's super pissed man. *SIGH* oh well.
I'll juz look for her later in the day to explain. It should turn out ok ( i guess ).

anywaes..... my xiao pok is waiting.. her blasted class ended so goddamn early so I gotta rush to skule to accompany her. LOL. well, wad to do.. anything for my xiao pok.

so.. tata.
*sleep while you can everyone!!! *yawn*

Shoooppppiiinnnggggggg spreeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

2005-06-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

went shopping on monday!!! bought lots and lotsa stuff.
dun ask me wad, cause I dun noe!!!! lol.
from clothes, to shoes, to bags, accessories, makeup!!! everything.
you name it, I prob bought it!!! hahaha
damn high lah >.<
den yest, I decided I wanted to treat myself to an ANNA SUI comapact, so I didnt think twice, juz went to geddit. lol
den today, I spent another hundren and fifty bucks++ on skincare.
waaahahahhahahahhahahahah.
broke liao. =P
I spent $1000 plus in juz three little days lah~!!!
lol
lol
lol
hard to believe rite!??!?!?!
I think I'm crazy toooooo! O.o
but liz fr Fendi juz contacted me, she wants me to go help out this weekend!!!
So won Be that broke!!!!!!!!!
lalalalalalalala.
my cough's still horrid, but much love to those who's been so sweet/concerned and all.
*hugs* you guys rock my world!!!!!!
and ooopppsss, it seems my nasty flu bug has been spreading around man!lol
I'm really sorrie okok.
=P

thats allll folks. haha. manda in the house...
signingggggg out. =)

BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!!

2005-03-13T20:00:00.000-08:00

omg.. life's been so so so busy recently. I hardly even have the time to feel tired man. Projects and datelines left and right.. ARGH... and the idiots around tink design skool is slack. zzz.. =P oh.. anywae.. update of my life.. Cookies.. I miz having you in my life.. haiz.. your alwaes too busy now wif YOU-NOE-WAD. hz... and you claim you still care. *bleah*. Eric.. You've been the best.. filling in for cookies as my new advisor. lol. Eugene and James.. thanks for the advice. Xiao pok and cheek thanks for alwaes alwaes being here/there for me.. Sarah.. hope you and Mr Nel have lots of fun and enjoy your sweet sweet honeymoon period. Shane.. your short story doesnt really suck la.. lol.. cause I edited it. Kolin.. sorry for everything. Hope we can put the past behind. I still love you man.. I seriously do. Charis baby.. another Big sorrie for that incident. I didnt mean to upset you.. didnt noe it would be a big deal to you.. you and felix going strong. woohoo!!! JAC.. JAC.. seriously.. HE copy me de. =P Dorcas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you make my world a much nicer place to live in.. seriously.. aiyo.. I LOVE LOVE LOVE you gurl.

ok ok.. thats the storie for now... will be back soon wif longer and (more interesting) posts.

HUGS AND KISSES for EVERONE. life's STILLLL BEAUTIFUL. (^.^)

=)

2005-02-13T14:50:00.000-08:00

Life's still beautiful after all.
And I'm so lovin it.

Scratch my last post..
I realised I didnt quite mean half the things I said,
now that I'm no longer mad.
I'm sorrie if I hurt anyone.
I never meant to.

salmon flavoured cake.

2005-02-02T09:10:00.000-08:00

I really dun understand why people come into my life wen they never intended to stay for long. I bloody hell hate it. Stop doing this too me! Stop treating me like that slice of nice yummy cake on the table taking a bite out of me before realising that it aint really your kinda thing. So wad if it looks like strawberry at first?!? so wad?!? it was actually YUCKY salmon flavoured cake. If you had maybe taken a while longer to bloody examine it you would have realised it aint your cuppa tea.
EXOTIC foods onli go well with people who noe how to savour them. HA! but no one asked you to not check before taking a bite.

But then again I dun understand why I'm feeling so riled.. then again maybe its cause this juz proves to me that everything, everything you said/told me was juz a huge lie. Now you noe why I get paranoid.. Another encounter wif one more of your kind will cause me to be 10 times worst. Its BLOODY people like you who screw up the world.. screw up other people's life and then leave them to clear up the pile of huge FUCKIN mess. amazing huh.

Oh.. but noe wad.. I'm not sad anymore.. I juz realised too. The feeling DISAPPEARED over night for me too. Cause I juz lost all respect for a person who coould tell me the feeling was gone juz cause of a few petty quarrels.. juz cause I made a few mistakes.. cause that juz proved to me everything never was nore than surface deep after all. haha.. maybe I juz took slightly longer to realise that It was never meant to be. CLEVER you. Wads the point? you have always had something against me as a bloody design student whether you admit it or not. And I'm telling you.. I'm the way I am.. I was stupid to say I would change. Cause I realise how much I love myself that I would NEVER have changed for anyone. oh.. and afterthought!!!.. Wouldn't someone who loved me.. love me for who I am?!?.. impulsive, hotheaded nature and all?.. ha!

Yeah.. feel free to post your comments above on the tag board.. yeah.. even the person I'm talking about.. You bloody hell noe who you are.. That is. if you dun mind the rest of the world noeing your identity and all. Be my guest.

But then again.. I muz make things straight.. I'm not blaming you or anything.. But you can't really blame me for not being happy bout this can you?.. No one was at a wrong in this.. Juz that EVERYTHING else was.

HA!!! scratch wad I said for the last post.

2005-02-01T08:35:00.001-08:00

yeah.. bottomline. manda's not happy anymore. But than again she will be SOON. cause she's a reed. and no matter how the wing blows.. she'll never get uprooted. =)

=)

2005-01-12T10:40:00.000-08:00

I've never been happier.
period.

I'm waiting.

2005-01-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

Though I going through lots of shit during this sucky period.. those who noe wad I'm talking about good lor.. those who dont, too bad. but the thing is..

You noe, you're not the only one feeling the pain here.. these sort of things in life.. we have no say in.. Maybe the timing was wrong.. maybe it juz wasnt meant to be.. maybe.. oh to hell wif it.. There's a thousand and one maybes.. dun you see.. and now putting urself through all this aint BLOODY worth it. you're juz making the people around you.. the people who bloody care, (and YES.. I still happen to be one of them who CARES alot infact) WORRIED!!!

I dun understand why you're doing this? are you trying to make me feel bad?!? are you trying to make me guilty?!?.. If not wad should I do bout it?!? you tell me now.. WAD or HOW do you wan me to react to all the things you're doing to urself now?!? do you BLOODY think its worth it? DUN give me BULLSHIT bout doing all these things to relieve the stress.. or to cope.. you noe its BLOODY not true. I never did all these wen I was going through my tough patches.. and I dun see any BLOODY reason why you should either.

pls pls pls.. You are someone I still look up too.. dun do all these things to urself. pls pls pls dun. I used to and still think of you as someone I can trust, someone I admire.. someone I care for.. so dun do all these things.. pls dun. I rather you call me to TRASH matters out or something.. rather than to wallow in self pity which shouldnt even be existent.

If you have read this.. and some SENSE has been knocked into your head. Juz give me a call.. anytime. I'll be waiting. Pls dun get me worried. Pls dun. I still care. I really do. And nothing is going to change that.

hello..

2005-01-03T10:30:00.000-08:00

hey.. Devda's is finally.. officially OVER. whew..
so I can finally get back to being MYSELF. lol.

First things first.. I noe I've been so Annoying recently with all my blasted crying and stuff. But thingy is.. Its not something I can help myself wif if you get my point. Its juz like wen all you other folk are PMSing or something and everyone gets bitchy and short tempered with each other.. SEE, different people react differently to stress.. some peeps get bitchy and lash out at others.. I juz find a corner and cry. (it doesnt help that people are naturally surious and crowd round trying to ask wats wrong) so do be tolerent ok. We are all individuals. If I never comment bout how bitchy people can get than dun you tink its not fair to comment on how weepy I get? there. hope I made my point. besides it does no harm to anyone. =P

Hmm.. sometimes I noe I may have said stuff that sounds ARROGANT.. hmm.. but if you want the truth.. I wasnt aware of how horridly big-headed it sounded wen I said it. wen I did.. it juz felt honest and I was juz saying something I felt. tink bout it.. maybe its wrong to think that way.. but wen I thought bout it I realises that if I had an oppurtunity to retract those words I wouldnt have done it. cause I was juz being honest bout how I felt there and then. I never meant for it to become such a big issue. lol. quite funny now that I tink bout it.

hmm.. jie.. Shaddon is my buddy.. he meant wad he said jokingly.. relax ya. =P

And to all thoses peeps who turned up for the show. Thanks so much. I was so Bloody touched. you guys juz made my day. hope each and everyone of you enjoyed the show. =)

love love.

moving back tomorrow. =P

2004-12-21T10:40:00.000-08:00

Yay.. my family's finally back!!! And I'm moving back first thing tomorrow morning.. so yupyup.. I'll be able to take calls from my house phone le.. =P anywae.. I've missed them sooo much, much more than I care to admit though.. lol. but I've also missed my bed and room dearly. =)

Well peeps.. TICKETS to the DRAMA thingy is officially coming out tomorrow at the ONE STOP SERVICE CENTRE ya.. do hurry and grab them fask k.. We really wan your support!!! =P retailing at only $5.. cheap cheap.

Aiyo.. Been really lagging behind in my work though I've promised to buck up. lol.. but nevermind.. I'll juz try harder!! =P

Been eating sooo much recently.. Am getting super fat xia. lol. But you noe wad.. I dun really care cause I've never been happier in my life. Juz doing everything I love. Not caring a bloody fuck bout wad the world thinks.. juz living MY life MY way. haha..

I changed my mind.. I dun wanna sae Hi or wadsoever, I juz wanna thank god you're finally outta my life and I've moved on. yuo. I'll juz Make myself beleve you're non-existant. period. =P

oh well.. thats all for now ya folks.. love all of you guys. tata..

Oh and By the way.. I AM NOT A BIMBO!!! yeah. cause..
1) I dun have big boobs.. period. I dun even think I even have wad is considered to be Boobs. lol.
2) and yeah.. I've got brains. so ya. =P

aww.. I'm bored.. to tears.

2004-12-12T23:03:00.000-08:00

I'm staying over at my grandparents/aunts place in simei.. most peeps tink that living in a bloody condo is bloody fun.. but I so beg to differ. ARGH.. this stupid godforsaken place has no straight bus to school!!! And I'm already always late as it is.. can you imagine how much later I'll be for lessons now?!?.. moreover the stoopid security guards cant quit asking me wat my business is here wenever I walk through the gates.. den I'll say that I live here and they'll apologise.. but wats the point?!?.. I still get asked the next time round.. ARGH!!! oh, and its quite a long MUDDY walk to the nearest bus-stop especially when it rains.. and yeah.. its been raining nonstop for the past 2 days.. and did I mention I got lost TWICE in simei in the last 24 hrs.. horrid bus service!.. and the second time round.. it was raining cats and dogs.. and I couldnt get one lousy cab so I had to bloody walk.. (find my way in the rain) to the simei mrt station. oh and I took so darn long to wait for 38 to come that wen I boarded the bus.. Haider told me that he had gotten from simei to BISHAN in that space of time.. amazing huh?

oh well..

but yeah, I still think I'm falling in love wif this place. with its quirks and all.. its almost like home already..

oh wait.. I think it IS home.(for the next 10 days at least) =P

hmmm...

2004-11-30T07:35:00.000-08:00

to/wait/or/not/to/wait..

does/god/really/exist?

Den/lets/see/if/he'll/answer/my/prayers.

the/farkin/keyboard/is/still/messed/up..juz/the/way/my/life/is/now.

2004-11-30T00:07:00.000-08:00

okie/rehearsals/ended/early/today/and/is/cancelled/tomorrow/but/yeah..
Going/out/wif/my/darling/sarah/tomorrow/am/so/hyped/haven/gotten/the/chance/to/see/her/in/ages
I'm/worried/I'm/starting/to/get/less/and/less/commited/to/devdas/(am/honestly/quite/tired/and/sick/of/the/entire/thing..its/makin/me/a/person/wif/no/life)
my/stupid/piercing/hurts/as/hell/tink/its/infected/
this/way/of/typing/is/farkin/lame
Juz/talked/to/tanya/feel/so/sori/for/her..her/life's/equally/messed/up
I/msg/but/no/reply*should/have/known/better..haiz*
found/someone/great/to/talk/to/today..Alvin/=)
ate/apple/strudle/today/courtesy/of/victor..nice/i/like
going/to/school/farkin/early/tommorow/juz/for/dance/haiz
am/feeling/quite/depressed
cant/believe/my/vera/actually/is/now/kinda/friends/wif/that/BASTARD
haha..but/den/A's/are/still/better/than/B's
received/5/pots/of/flavoured/lip/glosses/from/tanya/today..=P/so/sweet
played/at/pasir/ris/park/juz/now/flied/kites/and/all..feels/real/good/reliving/my/childhood..
But/it/also/kinda/saddened/me..
Very/bitter/sweet/xia..makes/me/relise/how/we/can/never/turn/back/the/clock..

oh/yeah..and/though/I/did/sae/there's/no/point/giving/up/an/entire/ocean/of/fishes/for/
a/tiny/anchovy..

Wad/if/I/juz/happen/to..like/ONLY/anchovies?

hmm...

Manda..*confused+lonely*..

there'ssomethingfuckinwrongwifmyspacebarkey..soyeah..do.bear.wif.me..thx

2004-11-29T21:00:00.000-08:00

Shouts:Star.darling..thx.sooo.much.for.always.bothering.to.read.my.bloggy.and.to.leave.you're.comments.
You're.the.best..love.love.

didnt/do/nothing/much/todae/juz/went/for/piano/den/played/the/sims/till/I/got/headache/lolz

*confused..bigtime*
haha..
*slaps/myself*
*wake/up/manda*
*the/ocean's/so/farkin/big..no/point/losin/it/over/an/anchovy*

zzz...

mood://can't/describe/..WEIRD/shall/sufffice//

sob..

hz....

2004-11-28T00:30:00.000-08:00

I frickin Did something to myself today.. I'm not going to sae wad but.. yeah.. its cool.. haha.. spastic xia.. to my friends.. You'll only get to noe wen we meet up lorz.. =P

but if you're wondering.. NO.. I didnt cut my hair la..

hz.. I feel so stupid..

I should'nt read too much into things..
Yup.. I've learnt my darn lesson.. I'm going to juz go wif the flow from now on. =)
Not going to hope.. not going to expect too much yet I'm not going to despair.
I'm juz going to smell the roses and live each day as they come.

oh.. attended some friend's gig at The third place yesterday.. OMG.. met this Edison look-alike.. lolz.. Charis' friend was like totally GAGA over him.. lol.. even Star was like sooo taken..

But yeah.. I've gotta admit.. he is.. frickin cute lorz.. but haha.. too bad. he's TAKEN. kolin made sure I UNDERSTOOD every part of that word. lol..

But juz for your info.. Sheryl said he did look at me like quite a few time lorz.. hm.. was it juz her imagination though.. hmm. =P but than again I was wearing my shortest skirt. lol.

kolin was great lorz.. though he made a false start and all.. Like I told him.. its things liddat that keeps it real.. =) I love my Kolin. *hugs*

yeah.. and Yup.. I'm fricking going to every gig from now on lorz.. even if the music aint exactly my cup of tea.. at least there's sooo much eye-candy and people-watchin to do that I dun mind!!!. lol.

btw.. I onli put my status in friendster as Married as I'm sick of all those losers out there who "juz wanna be friends".. yeah. =)

haha.. thats bout it la.. good night people..

Manda signing off. love!

I don't understand...

2004-11-25T00:40:00.000-08:00

Answers anyone?..
why do men do horrid things to the women who love them?
And this women were the ones whom they MARRIED.. willingly..
So far.. the number of people whose fathers are turning out to be complete.. ASSHOLES..cum BASTARDS.. cum.. (fill in the blanks) with other vulgarities suitable.. juz keep increasing.

And I thought my family was bad.. lol.

I juz things liddat are quite common nowadays but people juz don't speak of it openly YET.. as there is still a kind of social stigma attached with broken homes.. or in particular.. kids who come from broken homes..

I love her..
I love her soooo much..
But I don't think she noes..
To her.. I'm juz a naughty rebellious kid who chooses paths that people rather avoid..
I'm never good enough for her..
Yet I dun make her life all that easy too i guess; I never let her noe how great she already is..
Juz by being herself.
The imperfect yet perfect woman whom I respect so much..
The woman who carries the load that grown men never can..
Yet who never complains..

yeah.. the woman in question juz happens to be the one who carried me in her womb for 9 mths?.. who endured surgery 3 times round to give life to me and my sisters.. who was so weak that her body juz couldnt handle the extra load and she miscarried my sisters twin.. MUM!!

lol.

She's the one we lash out at wen we're tired.. or mad at her not allowing us to do the things we want.. well.. She always claims that she noes best.. but she doesnt.. (well not ALL of the time)
Yet, she's also the only one who SPOON-FEEDS us wen we're sick.. even wen we're like 17 +.. juz cause we're always be her little gurl...

haha..

amazing huh..

the joys of motherhood..

I juz can't wait..

NOT.

Noe something.. I dun tink I'm ever going to get married cause..
first things first..
I dun tink I'm capable of that kinda UNCONDITIONAL love a mum showers on her kid.. whether she shows it or not is another matter..

and secondly..
I dun tink I'm soooo self-less as to put up wif anything my F*CKIN husband should choose to do.. Juz so I can preserve a "happy Family environment" for my darling kids to grow up in.

you noe wad.. to fathers and husbands out there who have in more ways than one given your kid or family emotional or physical scars that can't be healed that easily..
FUCK you..
FUCK you..
FUCK you..
FUCK you somemore..
and FUCK you..

Oh.. and in case you're dumb enough NOT to geddit.. Its not me who's gonna do the dirty deed.. lolz.. its that Big Guy up there in heaven who's gonna do it.. sooner.. or later.. yep.. and that is one hell of a guy who noes.. EVERYTHING.. so no point turning on the waterworks or feeding him your lame excuses.. cause it aint gonna work.

Ok.. back to mum..

I use to think that she was WEAK.. if not why doesnt she leave him after all that he has done? why does she choose to stay and to put up with all his nonsense.. the insult.. the hurt?!?.. why didnt she choose a path outta it all for herself.. give herself the Time and space to heal.. to start afresh.. to find back all that he took away from her.. namely.. her LIFE. Amazing huh?.. juz how naive I was.. to think that leaving is ever easy.. even with the best of reasons. lolz.. well. she chose not to leave.. to put up with insult after insult.. juz for wad?!?.. for.. us.. the gurls.. the children.. her children.
She didnt wan us to grow up different from other kids.. with juz one parent instead of two..
haha.. I dunno if I had rather that though.. cause sometimes seeing the one you love suffer pain is much worst than suffering that pain urself.. make sense? hmm..
anywae.. at that point of time I didnt understand her hesitation.. I simply thought that she was WEAK..

very simple.. she still loves him.. (see the use of present tense.. yeah.. women.. argh.. the things they put up with in the goddamn name of blasted L-O-V-E.. amour.. =P).. so she didnt leave..

but now.. I understand.. and I realise how immensely huge her sacrifice is..

sh'e the strongest woman on earth.. cause with her frail shoulders she carries the weight that even a grown man would buckle under.. yet at the same time.. she faces the world so graciously.. still smilling.. pretending.. or should I say.. forcing herself to believe that everything's alrite. she's still the typical model chinese woman.. the pillar of hidden strength in the family.. the gracious hostest with the mostest.. oh and you noe what irks me the most?!?.. its wen she still DEFENDS him.. still trying to uphold his name.. his honour, so that he can still step out with his head held high.. haha.. AMAZING huh?..

hz.. there's still so much I wanna rant about.. but.. I'm tired.. and I still dun feel better.. I'm still mad. I dun get pissed easily... But wen I start.. I cant stop.. so god help me..

I'm leaving something I wrote a long while back here for all of you..

Should the flowers fade
And the earth be dead
All time can pass
But I will wait.

So deary are the mornings
And lonesome are the days
Bittersweet are the evenings
But for you I will wait.

Waiting for your return
Devout is my faith
God will bring home you to me
So with love I will wait.

Time may lessen my pain
And work may lessen the hate
But the memories will last
So I promise I will wait.

So heavy is my load
And weary seems the road
But even as my hope fades
I shall, wait and wait.

peeps.. if you think that this is a simple LOVE poem.. you are so mistaken.
This is what I would call.. a WOMAN's lament i guess.. lol.
Its like they say... ITS A MAN'S WAR but a WOMANS FIGHT.. or something along those lines..

think: a man goes out valantly to war.. leaving women at home to care for the young and old.. the man juz dies a hero.. but its the women who struggles to hold the fort; keeping food on the table.. keeping the family together.. yet at the same time.. she's uncomplaining.. she always forgives..

Moreover she still has to deal with the fact that she may never ever see the one she loves so dearly again..

aiya.. makes no difference la.. If you geddit.. good for you.. if you don't.. go fuck spyder la. cant be bothered to explain it all.

I juz cant get over the gender INEQUALITIES that still fuckin exist..

oh well.. I tink I'm going to sleep it off or something..
In the famous words of Scarlet O'Hara (one of the strongest women portrayed)..

Tomorrow is another day.

omg.. I've been too lazy to blog..

2004-11-22T22:50:00.000-08:00

First things first.. I'm feeling so guilty about letting this freaking blog collect dust (as a matter of speaking) that I'm going to make this a nice long entry. =)

Okie.. hm.. first things first.. Tanya.. if you're reading this!!! I noe we have kinda fell out recently.. but I've done some soul searching and yeah.. I've juz realised that I should juz let things pass.. whats done is done and cant be undone but I really hope we can TRY patch things up.. you noe wad.. I'm going to call you to trash things out once I've finished wif this entry..

woohoo.. lasts friday's rehersal was soooo totally happening can.. lolz.. Mel cried! !!!! !!! !!! he cried wen we did the "Elope with me scene".. OMG.. it was freaking AMAZING.. now I can so completely understand what they mean that only wen you give your best can your fellow actor REACT to it and give their best too.. something liddat la.. hm.. so he gave his best and I gave my best.. and guess wad.. we got an award worthy scene. =P lolz.. Kay gave the scene an A+.. DISTINCTION!!! first scene to clinch that. so proud of MEL!!! (stupid guy. if you ever read this.. I'm so PROUD of you can.. so you better maintain that standard ya?!?) hee.. and of course I'm proud of myself too.. yes.. veri BHB.. i noe i noe.. but who cares?!?..

yeah.. and we also did a reading of the "Mi lord.. " scene.. I did Chandramuki's.. lines.. correct spelling?.. hmm.. not sure.. but anywae.. yeah.. I tink cause we were already sooo EMO from the above mentioned scene that the tears flowed oh so easily.. it was BEAUTIFUL. I felt all of Chandramuki's pain.. her helplessness.. she so want to touch him.. to heal him.. to try ease some of his sorrow.. but.. NO... he would'nt even let her touch him.. haiz.. sad huh.. The scene was so touching we made our audience tear can.. (though it was mostly his doing la.. muz be honest. =P)

Aiyo.. anywae.. enough of the play la.. if you guys wanna find out more.. WATCH IT!!! lolz..

hm.. met the guy who's playing my husband today.. His FREAKIN tall can.. bout 2 metres.. I'm so not joking.. his is going to dwarf the entire cast.. !!!! lolz.. but its cool.. he has PRESENCE.. =)

well.. I'm finally going to get days off.. yeah.. tuesdays and thursdays no drama.. so can go out le.. haha.. so happy.. (^.^) but then again.. S'pore sooo tiny.. zz.. also not DAT many places to go xia.. hmm... well I'm going to call Tanya now.. zz.. god bless me.. omg.. hope the PEACE talks workout. lolz..

I'm going to leave you guys with a verse from a song.. a song that has been running through my head for the past few days le.. a beautiful.. inspiring song. =P (too me la).. aiyo.. not sure if lyrics 100% correct but yeah..

Someday I'll fly away..
Leave all these to yesterday..
Why live life from dream to dream?..
and dread the day.. that dreaming ENDS..

I"M 17 TODAY..

2004-11-12T06:20:00.000-08:00

woohoo.. will most probably be spending the day wif all my friends.. chilling in town.. hmm... nothing to fancy.. juz wanna be surrounded by the people I love. =P will tell you all bout it tomorrow ya.. so tata.

whew.. exhausted.

2004-11-11T14:15:00.000-08:00

Went shopping in little india yesterday.. woohoo.. it was like totally fun.. the streets were like jammed wif the people queuing to do some last min shopping for depavali.. It was like frickin warm and all.. I got so giddy that I tumbled down a flight of stairs.. careless me. lolz.. luckily I didnt get injured. Didnt buy much.. juz a pretty jewelled bindi and some clay lamps.. zz.. still need to find some inspiration and time to paint those lamps xia..

had lunch at a vegetarian place.. woohoo.. indian food is like sooooo nice.. spicy.. sweet.. juz full of flavour. hm. stupid me.. I didnt noe it was a vegetarian place at first.. haha.. I even asked for meat dishes. Luckily I didnt get chased out.. =P

Woke up this morning to discover that my Left eye is badly swollen.. zz... or should I sae my eyelid is badly swollen and painful.. it sucks.. I look horrid! wif a puffy eye and all.. zz.. juz praying it will subside asap as I got to attend a function tonight xia. haiz.. Durga durga.

Borrowed the devdas vcd from Lynn yesterday night.. watched it twice le.. yesterdae night and this morning.. the show's like so beautifully shot lorz.. amazing.. and the costumes!!!!.... OMG!

haha.. okie.. nothing much le.. I tink I'm going to put some ice cubes on the swelling now. so tata.. lotsa love.. =)

2 days into one..

2004-11-09T00:00:00.000-08:00

Argh.. wanted to update this bloody thing yesterdae but so freaking lagging I gave up. =P zz.. hm.. well, yesterdae was BORING.. quarrelled wif my dad bout my piano lessons.. he saes he doesnt tink I'm putting enough effort into practising.. saes he's going to stop my lessons.. well.. wadever man.. speak to the hand. LOLZ.. hz.. I love my parents.. I love my dad.. I honestly do.. but sometimes, they juz annoy the hell outa you dun dey?!!!!!!!!!... zz.. the PARENTS dun geddit. =P well.. yup.. dats bout it.. boring day. hm..

woohoo.. however.. today- monday.. it was totally SOOOOOO happening lorz.. haha.. regarding the previous article bout the school play being cancelled due to the theft.. well, its coming back. haha.. No.. we haven caught the thief.. yet.. but we'll still proceed wif the practises as per normal.. the teacher in charge didnt wanna sae yes.. but we were all so persistent and I'm proud to sae.. I cried in front of everyone again.. haha.. maybe thats y she finally gave in. =) yet we'll take extra safety precautions.. besides.. some SUSPECTS were questioned hard today.. and wen I sae hard I mean totally HARD man. lolz.. sounds wrong but.. haha.. wat the heck.. I'm so hyped. hmm.. yet I tink opening nite will be pushed back by 2 wks or so ba.. hmm.. but who cares. =)

Enough bout DEVDAS shit!!! important announcement.. "MY SISTA.. juz got hitched today.. woohoo!!!" okie la.. reality check.. not blood sista.. but dollhouse sista.. not hitched as in married but hitched as in JUZ GOT A BF.. lolz so happy for her.. If you're reading this.. I hope for all the best for you.. and you.. BOI.. better treat her like the princess she is or I'll...... "whAm!.. Bham!!.. CRASHH!!! screech.. splat.. Hi-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Argh..... omg.. save me!!.." yup.. you get the pictcha. =P

haha.. as for me.. I'll juz sit around and fuss over my sistas and their problems.. lolz.. I'm still waiting fot the right guy to pop up to give me the same stupid problems that every couple seems to face and delight in facing.. lolz.. emo kids la.. one by one.. no problem go look for problem. haha. ( I mean that in the form of their so called.. significant other half) haha.. I'm no different. zz..

Well.. I got a long day ahead tomorrow.. dance and all. so.. yup yup.. I'll juz go sleep first ya.. nitez peeps. tata.. =) happi happi. lifes beautiful after all.. like they sae.. every cloud has a silver lining. *(^.^)*

hzz.. my eyes are still swollen from all that crying.

2004-11-06T11:40:00.000-08:00

Juz woke up on this not so special saturday morning.. ate a not so special breakfast.. watched some not so special tv.. and juz created this not so special blog.. yeah.. yipee.. woohoo.. NOT. haiz.. zzz... I'm still sleepy. My head's still hurting from all that crying and yeah.. I dun even wanna look into the mirror.. I noe I look a fright with my eyes so swollen and face all puffy.

I hear you asking.. "den why in the world did you cry so much for then?".. well.. hold on to your horses.. I'm getting there..

Firstly.. to those who noe me.. I'm sure that you guys would have known that for the past one month of my hols.. I have been going for drama rehersals daily.. and my life juz revolved round the stage and the play which we would be staging; Devdas (adapted from the bollywood film).. I lived DEVDAS.. breathed DEVDAS.. slept and ate DEVDAS.. I was so sure that opening nite which juz happens to be in 3 weeks time or so would be a smashing sucess. Little did I noe that the entire FUCKING production would have to be cancelled due to a string of petty yet not so petty theft. argh.....

It all started bout 2 weeks ago I guess wen a few of us lost money during rehersal time.. we reported it up but we didnt wanna call the police or take any too drastic measures against the thief.. You would have thought that a person wif juz a shread of moral fiber in them would have been thankful and all.. but NO... money still continued missing even wif all the preventive measures taken.

Then yesterday.. We all happily gathered in school to watch Devdas.. the movie. It was so inspiring.. we were cheering and being so enthusiastic bout everything. till at the end of it all.. my drama president broke the news to us.. she herself had only found out about this joint decision made by the school's deputy principal and Kat (person incharge of drama.. i tink) in the morning.. it was a bit of great acting on her part.. keeping mum till the end of it all.. wen one can guess how her own heart was breaking.. she had put in so much effort, energy and sheer hard work.. if I was already feeling do bad.. imagine how she was feeling. We juz crumbled wen we heard the news.. the play was already part of us.. All of us actors had spent so much to get into character.. I was already feeling like Paro.. understanding her.. believing in her.. and living as her.. only to have it all taken away from us.. it was like losing our baby.. heart wrenching.

I dunno wad to sae.. juz thinking bout this still makes my heart ache so. I so badly wan the play to go on.. THE PLAY MUST GO ON.. I dun care bout anything.. I dun care if the thief continues stealing.. I juz wan this play to go on.. I juz wan my baby back.. I juz cant deal wif the lost, its as bad as breaking up with a love one.. the hard work we had expanded on the play was our long dating process, all the quarrelling, the fighting.. the opening nite would be finally overcoming all obstacles to be wif him/her.. and the applause and cheering at the end of it all would be like having a baby.. the final seal on our love and the assurance that all the effort was well worth it. haiz..

But now?.. zz.. haiz.. I really dunno.

sad.. sad.. heart broken.. depressed.. but still hopeful. praying for a miracle.